Thursday, 29 December 2011

STAY OR LEAVE? Chapter 15: Hurdle 5: Be aware that you always have a choice (you’re not as trapped as you think you are) ISBN 978-1-78028-025-7

Hi. Are you making new years resolutions that excite you? Are you convinced that this year you'll really make them happen? I wonder how long it'll be before life crashes back in and you start to tell yourself that "I can't do this or that because..." Chapter 15 explains how we hypnotise ourselves into the same old same old with our own language and that, in reality, you're not as trapped as you think you are. Make this year the year that you really do overcome all my hurdles and make your life one that you'll look back on with satisfaction, not regrets...

Chapter 15: Hurdle 5: Be aware that you always have a choice (you’re not as trapped as you think you are)

The fifth hurdle is: ‘Be aware that you always have a choice (you’re not as trapped as you think you are)’. It demonstrates how you convince yourself that you are trapped by weighty obligations and stifling routine.

To help take responsibility for your situation, not blame others for it and make your choice, each time you find yourself using the words: ‘I can’t decide’, ‘I can’t stay and change our relationship’, ‘I can’t go and manage alone’, try replacing them with ‘I won’t decide’, ‘I wont stay and change our relationship’, ‘I wont go and manage alone’.

By adopting this techniques outlined in the chapter you feel powerful, free to choose and take responsibility for the choice. You have always been free to do anything with your life. You’ve just been hypnotizing yourself with your own language.

“Beverly Stone shows through logical steps how to break patterns of destructive thinking and behavior and move into a healthy relationship with yourself and others. Highly recommended.” DEEPAK CHOPRA

“This is the ideal book for anyone looking for the courage to make a change. It’s full of practical, sensitive, helpful strategies, yet it’s also so amazingly readable.” DAWN FRENCH

“I’ve known people trapped in deeply unhappy relationships for years, because of no apparent way out. Indecision only adds to the misery. Beverley Stone’s serious guide to honest, clear ways to change, offers men and women the release to be themselves and is inspiring in its lessons.” ANNA FORD

STAY OR LEAVE? Chapter 14: HURDLE 4: Take responsibility for your situation (no blaming others) ISBN 978-1-78028-025-7

Happy New Year Everyone! Here's the summary of chapter 14 which is about taking responsibility for the situation you find yourself. If you're unhappy and blaming others for your not choosing to change your circumstances, then reading this chapter will show you that it is you, yourself, that is stopping you. One minute your Confident You tells you that you can do anything with your life and at that moment you feel expansive, confident and ready to change and deal with the consequences. The next minute your Cautious You chimes in with good reasons why you shouldn't take the risks associated with change. Chapter 14 will help you recognise this conflict within and show you how to resolve it so that this New Year will not be another year that you can look back on and regret not taking action....

Chapter 14: HURDLE 4: Take responsibility for your situation (no blaming others)

Hurdle four is Take responsibility for your situation (no blaming others)’ This involves recognizing that when you blame others for your situation, in many cases it’s your internal conflict that’s to blame.

Bringing unconscious resistance between your Cautious You and Confident You to consciousness and resolving it through the techniques explained in the chapter will unshackle your Will power so that you will be able to stick to your decision, action it and thereby stay and improve the relationship or finally move out.

“Beverly Stone shows through logical steps how to break patterns of destructive thinking and behavior and move into a healthy relationship with yourself and others. Highly recommended.” DEEPAK CHOPRA

“This is the ideal book for anyone looking for the courage to make a change. It’s full of practical, sensitive, helpful strategies, yet it’s also so amazingly readable.” DAWN FRENCH

“I’ve known people trapped in deeply unhappy relationships for years, because of no apparent way out. Indecision only adds to the misery. Beverley Stone’s serious guide to honest, clear ways to change, offers men and women the release to be themselves and is inspiring in its lessons.” ANNA FORD

STAY OR LEAVE? Chapter 13: HURDLE 3: Make your one and only life a meaningful one (not one you’ll end up regretting) ISBN 978-1-78028-025-7

Happy New Year for tonight, everyone! Let's make it the year we look back on as they one we made the decision to live an authentic, meaningful life, whilst being careful to do as little damage as possible to anyone else in the process. Chapter 13 of Stay or Leave? will help you to do this as you can see from the summary is below:

Chapter 13: HURDLE 3: Make your one and only life a meaningful one (not one you’ll end up regretting)

The third hurdle is to ‘Make your one and only life a meaningful one (not one you’ll end up regretting)’. To help with this you need to eliminate obsessive, anxious self talk and learn how to stop living in the past or future and stay in the “here and now”

You are helped in this chapter with a set of techniques to that control your negative self-talk and block out destructive thoughts. By developing this skill of staying in the here and now, you’ll have a clear mind, a more realistic perspective and be able to make the decision that will ensure your life is a meaningful one.

“Beverly Stone shows through logical steps how to break patterns of destructive thinking and behavior and move into a healthy relationship with yourself and others. Highly recommended.” DEEPAK CHOPRA

“This is the ideal book for anyone looking for the courage to make a change. It’s full of practical, sensitive, helpful strategies, yet it’s also so amazingly readable.” DAWN FRENCH

“I’ve known people trapped in deeply unhappy relationships for years, because of no apparent way out. Indecision only adds to the misery. Beverley Stone’s serious guide to honest, clear ways to change, offers men and women the release to be themselves and is inspiring in its lessons.” ANNA FORD

STAY OR LEAVE? Chapter 12: Hurdle 2: Accept anxiety as a positive, fundamental human experience (stop giving in to it) ISBN 978-1-78028-025-7

Hi. Here's a summary of Chapter 12 which offers you the life-changing knowledge that nobody can make you feel anything - no matter what they do or say. It's how you view what they say or do that makes you feel - and then behave accordingly. So to stop giving into anxiety or fear, you merely have to change your view of your situation and what's on the other side of the Rubicon. It's all down to you!

Chapter 12: HURDLE 2: Accept anxiety as a positive, fundamental human experience (stop giving into it)

The second hurdle is to ‘Accept anxiety as a positive, fundamental human experience (stop giving into it)’. The chapter shows how to check anxiety and use it constructively, not as a symptom of looming catastrophe but as ‘life energy’. To learn to ‘be anxious in the right way’, you must first accept that your feelings are caused by things that go on inside your head rather than outside it. As Epictetus said in 100AD:

‘Men are not disturbed by things but by the views they take of them’.

If you are to improve your situation, you need to decide either to change it or the way you view it; there is no point remaining in the same situation and continuing to view it with stress, horror or unhappiness – that’s just a waste of energy, a waste of life.

The chapter ends with a practical Face Your Challenges 4-Step Technique that helps you to meet difficult conversations and situations with courage and compassion rather than with anxiety, blame, avoidance or anger.

“Beverly Stone shows through logical steps how to break patterns of destructive thinking and behavior and move into a healthy relationship with yourself and others. Highly recommended.” DEEPAK CHOPRA

“This is the ideal book for anyone looking for the courage to make a change. It’s full of practical, sensitive, helpful strategies, yet it’s also so amazingly readable.” DAWN FRENCH

“I’ve known people trapped in deeply unhappy relationships for years, because of no apparent way out. Indecision only adds to the misery. Beverley Stone’s serious guide to honest, clear ways to change, offers men and women the release to be themselves and is inspiring in its lessons.” ANNA FORD

Thursday, 22 December 2011

BBC Radio Jersey Interview on Stay or Leave?

Hi Everyone,

I did my first radio interview for Stay or Leave? yesterday on BBC Radio Jersey and you can listen to me here (I'm on at the 2.20 mark): http://bbc.in/w4vy2K

I've spoken on the radio about leadership, team and organisational development many times, but this is my first radio interview on Relationships so I see this as a learning curve and any feedback will be very welcome!

Thanks!

Tuesday, 20 December 2011

STAY OR LEAVE? Chapter 11:Hurdle 1: Be Authentic - take the risk of being yourself (not what everyone else wants you to be) ISBN 978-1-78028-025-7

Hi Everyone, Hope you had a great Christmas and here's a summary of Chapter 11, the first chapter of Part III which describes how to jump my 6 Life-Changing Hurdles. The chapter explains how to be authentic in the sense of taking the risk of being yourself, not what everyone else wants you to be. And the question I ask below - in bold - is perhaps an apt one, after spending Xmas with your family...?

PART III - THE 6 LIFE-CHANGING HURDLES

Chapter 11: HURDLE 1: Be authentic – take the risk of being yourself (not what everyone else wants you to be)

The first hurdle is to ‘Be authentic and take the risk of being yourself (not what everyone else wants you to be)’. To do this, you need to ask yourself ‘Will I commit to a course of action and engage in life as my own person? Or will I remain inauthentic and merely continue as I am now – occupying roles and going through the motions without real commitment?’

Our inauthenticity is most obvious when we stop ourselves saying what we think, being who we are or doing what we want because we know the people around us won’t like it so, instead, prefer to avoid the inevitable flak and conflict. This chapter covers how you handle conflict currently and the changes you need to make in order to get the truth on the table and stop succumbing to an unproductive, unspoken contract in your relationship.

“Beverly Stone shows through logical steps how to break patterns of destructive thinking and behavior and move into a healthy relationship with yourself and others. Highly recommended.” DEEPAK CHOPRA

“This is the ideal book for anyone looking for the courage to make a change. It’s full of practical, sensitive, helpful strategies, yet it’s also so amazingly readable.” DAWN FRENCH

“I’ve known people trapped in deeply unhappy relationships for years, because of no apparent way out. Indecision only adds to the misery. Beverley Stone’s serious guide to honest, clear ways to change, offers men and women the release to be themselves and is inspiring in its lessons.” ANNA FORD

STAY OR LEAVE? Chapter 10: Let's Take A Breather ISBN 978-1-78028-025-7

Hello Everyone, i was interviewed about the book on BBC Radio Jersey this morning on the Sara & Carrie show which you can hear on BBC iplayer if you're so inclined! In the meantime, here's a summary of chapter 10...

Chapter 10: Let’s take a breather

Chapter 10 allows you to take a breather and recap on the 64-Million-Dollar questions by summarizing them under the 6 Life Changing Hurdles:

1. Be Authentic - take the risk of being yourself (not what everyone else wants you to be)

2. Accept anxiety as a positive, fundamental human experience (stop giving in to it)

3. Make your one and only life a meaningful one (not one that you’ll end up regretting)

4. Take responsibility for your situation (no blaming others)

5. Be aware that you always have a choice (you’re not as trapped as you think you are)

6. Live by your own values and standards (not everyone else’s)

The chapter reminds you that the journey of change is lonely, painful and tough. It’s never ending and it’s all there is. There is no given, no Guru, no right answer, no authority, just you. You just need to jump; but you need to do it skillfully and Part III of the book offers pragmatic techniques to help you do just that.

Friday, 9 December 2011

STAY OR LEAVE? Chapter 9: The 64-Million-Dollar Questions: Being authentic ISBN 978-1-78028-025-7

Hello again. Chapter 9's 64-Million-Dollar Questions are designed to help you think about whether or not you are taking the risk of being yourself or are you instead trying to be what you believe everyone else wants you to be?

Chapter 9: The 64-Million-Dollar Questions: Being authentic

Every minute of every day, people are in situations where they could say one thing and not another; do one thing and not another. But to live an authentic life, you must be aware of your alternatives and the act of considering them. It’s this conscious awareness of this freedom to choose who you are and what you do, every moment of your life, which defines who can and who can’t claim to be authentic.

Chapter nine embeds this idea by asking: ‘Who is the real you?’, ‘Do you have the courage to be authentic?’, ‘Are you succumbing to the Gulliver Effect?’, and ‘Have you shackled yourself with invisible threads?’

If you don’t want to be a bland version of yourself, you need to summon the courage to break away from your old patterns, make your decision to stay or leave once and for all and take responsibility for the life you choose to live.

“Beverly Stone shows through logical steps how to break patterns of destructive thinking and behavior and move into a healthy relationship with yourself and others. Highly recommended.” DEEPAK CHOPRA

“This is the ideal book for anyone looking for the courage to make a change. It’s full of practical, sensitive, helpful strategies, yet it’s also so amazingly readable.” DAWN FRENCH

“I’ve known people trapped in deeply unhappy relationships for years, because of no apparent way out. Indecision only adds to the misery. Beverley Stone’s serious guide to honest, clear ways to change, offers men and women the release to be themselves and is inspiring in its lessons.” ANNA FORD

STAY OR LEAVE? Chapter 8: The 64-Million-Dollar Questions: Satisfying your own needs and ambitions ISBN 978-1-78028-025-7

Hi, Here are the next set of 64-Million-Dollar questions asked within chapter 8. They ask you to take a new perspective on you're being authentic and satisfying your own needs and ambitions rather than what you may now be going - hesitating and hide who you really are.

Chapter 8: The 64-Million-Dollar Questions: Satisfying your own needs and ambitions

Even if you take responsibility for your situation, accept that you make your own advice and take your decision, you may still hesitate preferring to remain and hide who you really are and what your really want rather than be authentic and risk conflict and disapproval:

‘… the choice either to participate in the collective psychosis or take a risk and become healthy and perhaps crucified.’

In order to stimulate the reader to take action, the 64 Million Dollar Questions continue with: ‘If not now, when?’ ‘What’s the worst thing that can happen?’ ‘Will it really happen?’ and ‘How does it feel now, standing still?’

This chapter reminds people that being authentic and leaving for pastures new or staying yet demanding new ground rules can be dangerous. But so, too, can continuing to live an inauthentic, unfulfilled life.

“Beverly Stone shows through logical steps how to break patterns of destructive thinking and behavior and move into a healthy relationship with yourself and others. Highly recommended.” DEEPAK CHOPRA

“This is the ideal book for anyone looking for the courage to make a change. It’s full of practical, sensitive, helpful strategies, yet it’s also so amazingly readable.” DAWN FRENCH

“I’ve known people trapped in deeply unhappy relationships for years, because of no apparent way out. Indecision only adds to the misery. Beverley Stone’s serious guide to honest, clear ways to change, offers men and women the release to be themselves and is inspiring in its lessons.” ANNA FORD

STAY OR LEAVE? Chapter 7: The 64-Million-Dollar Questions: Accepting the downside of your decision ISBN 978-1-78028-025-7

Hello again. Chapter 7 asks you to ask yourself the first of my 64-million-dollar questions. Here's the summary of the chapter and again, it maybe worth asking yourself these, as I know that many of us are questioning different aspects of our lives and weighing up the possibility of change. Or maybe worse - we're revving our engines with our foot on the break and shaking ourselves to pieces...?

Chapter 7: The 64-Million-Dollar Questions: Accepting the downside of your decision

One reason why people still struggle with crossing their Rubicon is that when you decide to do one thing you are met head on with the fact that you will have to give up something else, The next set of 64 Million Dollar Questions continue the challenge by asking: ‘What are you waiting for’, ‘Are you avoiding your responsibility for an already wasted life?’, ‘Are you hoping someone will hold your hand’ and ‘Who has the answer?’.

The chapter helps you understand that a decision is a lonely act; no one else can decide for you nor absorb the risks that your decision entails. That in the end you make your own advice, you alone have to decide, you alone have to act and live with the consequences of your decision.

STAY OR LEAVE? Chapter 6: The 64-Million-Dollar Questions: Accepting responsibility for your impasse ISBN 978-1-78028-025-7

Here's Chapter 6 which includes the first 64-Million-Dollar Questions relating whether or not your accepting responsibility for your situation or blaming others. Hope you like the summary.

Chapter 6: The 64-Million-Dollar Questions: Accepting responsibility for your impasse

Many people find it difficult to change their lives because in worrying about what people will think, or their social and financial obligations, they blame others and their situation for their own behaviour.

The first set of 64 Million Dollar Questions encourage you to challenge such beliefs, assumptions and behaviour, with the following questions: ‘Who are you trying please?’ ’Are you your own jailor?’ and ‘Who’s pulling your strings?’

The chapter demonstrates that no one has put you “in bondage”. You are not as trapped as you think you are, and that you are free to choose to do anything with your life. It shows that you cannot detach the burden of responsibility for your indecision and shift it elsewhere: ’One is entirely responsible for one’s life, not only for one’s actions but for one’s failures to act’.

“This is the ideal book for anyone looking for the courage to make a change. It’s full of practical, sensitive, helpful strategies, yet it’s also so amazingly readable.” DAWN FRENCH

“Beverly Stone shows through logical steps how to break patterns of destructive thinking and behavior and move into a healthy relationship with yourself and others. Highly recommended.” DEEPAK CHOPRA

“I’ve known people trapped in deeply unhappy relationships for years, because of no apparent way out. Indecision only adds to the misery. Beverley Stone’s serious guide to honest, clear ways to change, offers men and women the release to be themselves and is inspiring in its lessons.” ANNA FORD

STAY OR LEAVE? Chapter 5: Your New Perspective ISBN 978-1-78028-025-7

So yesterday's Chapter 4 was the final chapter of Part I, You, Now. The second part of the book is about developing a new perspective, one that encourages people see themselves, their predicament and their life in a completely different way thereby freeing them take their decision and cross their Rubicon.

PART II – YOUR NEW PERSPECTIVE

Chapter 5: Your New Perspective

This chapter summarizes your new perspective, outlined in the previous chapters. It shows that most people convince themselves that they don’t have any choices in life. You too may have lulled yourself into believing that because your world is full of commitments and obligations, you don’t have the freedom to choose to break away or demand major improvements in your relationship.

You may well feel that:

  1. You have no choice but to live your life for everyone else,
  2. Feel trapped and
  3. Blame others for it.

Whereas, if you’re to live a meaningful and fulfilled life, you need to accept that:

  1. You are in the situation you find yourself because you have made choices,
  2. Freely and
  3. Are therefore totally responsible for your predicament.
It also introduces the 64 Million Dollar questions included in the following four chapters that help you realize the truth of this new perspective, give you new ways of understanding your current dilemma and the courage to finally change your life.

PS I thought I'd give you the full endorsements this time, rather than the shortened versions that are on the sleeve of the book!

“This is the ideal book for anyone looking for the courage to make a change. It’s full of practical, sensitive, helpful strategies, yet it’s also so amazingly readable.” DAWN FRENCH

“Beverly Stone shows through logical steps how to break patterns of destructive thinking and behavior and move into a healthy relationship with yourself and others. Highly recommended.” DEEPAK CHOPRA

“I’ve known people trapped in deeply unhappy relationships for years, because of no apparent way out. Indecision only adds to the misery. Beverley Stone’s serious guide to honest, clear ways to change, offers men and women the release to be themselves and is inspiring in its lessons.” ANNA FORD

STAY OR LEAVE? Chapter 4: Stop revving your engine with your foot on the brake ISBN 978-1-78028-025-7

Hello Again, Here's my summary of Chapter 4 of Stay or Leave? I hope it makes you think, whatever your indecision may be about: staying or leaving work, home, your relationship, the country and so on...?! Bev

Chapter 4: Stop revving your engine with your foot on the brake

Chapter 4 confronts you with the reality of your situation: Have you convinced yourself that you’re merely hovering in limbo as if at a sunny crossroads, eating a picnic, whilst weighing up the pros and cons of which path to take – stay or go? Or, are you in reality in a situation of extreme conflict; the conflict between moving and not moving?

In which case, your situation is more like an aircraft on a short runway where the pilot must rev the engine whilst keeping one foot firmly on the break. This would be completely senseless without the clear intention, when the right moment came, to release the brakes and take off. Otherwise the aircraft would shake itself to pieces. So rather than hovering in limbo, are you in fact shaking yourself to pieces, tearing yourself apart?

“The ideal book for anyone looking for the courage to make a change...practical sensitive and helpful strategies.” DAWN FRENCH

“Highly recommended.” DEEPAK CHOPRA

“I’ve known people trapped in deeply unhappy relationships for years, because of no apparent way out. Indecision only adds to the misery. Beverley Stone’s serious guide to honest, clear ways to change, offers men and women the release to be themselves and is inspiring in its lessons.” ANNA FORD

STAY OR LEAVE? Chapter 3: Will either decision really end in catastrophe? ISBN 978-1-78028-025-7

As you know, my style is to confront people with the dilemma of whether to Stay or Leave their relationship, with the greatest fear in the human psyche - the fear of a wasted life. People stagnating in a meaningless relationship are wasting their lives and they know it. As you can see, Chapter 3 spells this out in a way that will inspire people to make a move, one way or the other....!

Chapter 3: Will either decision really end in catastrophe?

This chapter shows the impact that your ‘Catastrophic Fantasies’ have on your indecision; how these hold you back rather than allow you to take the risk of change. It challenges you to consider that, by succumbing to your fears, you may be sitting in the ‘Waiting Room of Life’, never becoming the person you could be.

You can no longer sit and wait for it to feel safe to make your move; it never will and, by hoping against hope, you are already regretting a wasted life. You don’t want the following words on your tombstone do you? - Born 1973 Died 2005, Buried 2067

STAY OR LEAVE? Chapter 2: Why no change? ISBN 978-1-78028-025-7

Here's my synopsis for chapter 2 - hope you like it and that just these few words make you think about what you're doing, or not doing...?!

Chapter 2: Why no change?

Chapter two addresses the problem with change and what keeps you indecisive. It explains how you are blocking yourself from becoming everything you could be and how you are weighed down with fearful thoughts and anxiety.

You are challenged with the question of how it feels now - standing still in life, not taking the risks of crossing your ‘Rubicon’, playing it safe and being in the same position week after week, year after year. The chapter confronts you with the harsh reality that either way – jumping into the abyss of uncertainty or standing still, you cannot escape stress and anxiety, so you must stop trying.

STAY OR LEAVE? Chapter 1: So your indecision is final! ISBN 978-1-78028-025-7

Hello Everyone. My book is divided into three parts. As you can see, Part I is about you right now, and a synopisis of chapter one - So your indecision is final?! is below:

PART I – YOU, NOW

Chapter 1: So your indecision is final?!

Chapter one spells out the impact that your indecision is having on your making the most of your one and only life. You’ve tried everything from professional counselling, late night talks with friends to self-help books. Each time you think you’ve made a decision, you find yourself back in the loop, raking over excellent reasons to stay and ever better reasons to leave.

The chapter highlights the confusion you feel by your inability to take action, how this is diminishing you as a person, how you are stagnating and making yourself ill. The chapter ends with the three possible options you have if you’re to live a meaningful life.

My new book Stay or Leave? ISBN 978-1-78028-025-7

Guess what? My new book, Stay or Leave? Six steps to resolving your relationship indecision is coming out on January 5th! The end of the year is a good time to reflect on the year gone by and decide what you'll leave in this year, what you'll take into the next year and what new years' resolution you'll make New Year, New You.


Over the next few weeks, I'll first be outlining the entire book and then be giving you a chapter by chapter synopsis. But to start, here is the press release. Please note the endorsements by Dawn French, Deepak Chopra and Anna Ford!


Stay or Leave? Six steps to resolving your relationship indecision
by Beverley Stone

You’re stuck in an unhappy relationship. You’re not sure if you want to stay, but you can’t make up your mind to go. You know you’re stagnating … but you feel powerless to do anything about it. Yet help is at hand.

If you feel your destiny is on hold because your love life is so unsatisfactory, successful relationship therapist Beverley Stone will get you back on track. She uncovers the roots of your confusion and helps you make the big decision: to stay and make a go of it … or leave and regain control of your future. Step by step, she helps you put your choice into action as you tackle her Six Life-Changing Hurdles: becoming authentic, embracing anxiety, making your life a meaningful one, taking responsibility, acknowledging you have a choice and living by your own values.

• Written by an experienced, no-nonsense counsellor who combines sympathy with realism … and helps you face the fact that doing nothing is a self-defeating option

• Goes further than other self-help books in guiding your analysis and your efforts to solve the problem – discover why your previous attempts have failed

• Covers all the possible options for your relationship – mending it, maintaining it … and, in the last resort, leaving it

Beverley Stone is a chartered business psychologist and accredited relationship counselor with a Harley Street practice. With over 25 years’ experience in helping clients internationally to achieve personal growth, she is also the author of Confronting Company Politics and The Inner Warrior: Developing Courage for Personal and Organizational Change.

“The ideal book for anyone looking for the courage to make a change...practical sensitive and helpful strategies.” DAWN FRENCH

“Highly recommended.” DEEPAK CHOPRA

“I’ve known people trapped in deeply unhappy relationships for years, because of no apparent way out. Indecision only adds to the misery. Beverley Stone’s serious guide to honest, clear ways to change, offers men and women the release to be themselves and is inspiring in its lessons.” ANNA FORD