Saturday, 7 January 2012

Divorce & Celebrity Culture vs Everyday Culture

I've been asked a number of times this week, why it is that celebrity's like Katy Perry and Russell Brand and Sinead O'Conner (albeit that she's back with her husband now) seem to find taking the decision to separate and divorce far quicker than others. I've tried to answer this here.

Will either decision really end in catastrophe?

In my experience, deciding to make a change or what I call "Crossing Rubicons" is inevitably stressful for many people, because we don’t know what we’ll need to deal with on the other side.

But we make it worse for ourselves. We avoid crossing our Rubicons because of what I call "Catastrophic Fantasies".

Our catastrophic fantasies are catastrophic because we always think the worst (“If I leave him or her I will never meet anyone again”, ‘I can’t cope with doing everything myself’) and fantasies because they rarely happen. Chances are, if you take the risk, you will meet someone else and be far happier; you can and will cope on your own and very likely enjoy the peace and simplicity of it all!

One major Catastrophic Fantasy that blocks many people is the fear of hurting people or invoking their disapproval. Consequently, they hold themselves back rather than take the risk of being honest.

I was watching the film 'While you were sleeping' yesterday and in it, there's a perfect example of this. Bill Pullman's character, Jack would like to start his own business making furniture but fears telling his father because he thinks his father will be devastated. He tells Sandra Bullock's character, Lucy, that the business used to be called 'Callaghan & Sons' before his brother, Peter, went to law school. Then it changed to 'Callaghan & Son' and if he left, it would just be 'Callaghan's' and he doesn't want to hurt his father in this way.

Eventually, Lucy persuades him to pluck up the courage and tell is dad. And all his father was concerned about on hearing the news was that he hadn't told him sooner because he could have sold the business for twice the value and gone on a cruise with Jack's mother!

Can you imagine what a waste of life he'd have had if he'd avoided crossing his Rubicon of telling his dad for fear that it would kill him, only to find years later that his dad would actually have loved it if Jack start his own business thereby freed him to sell his own and enjoy the proceeds.

Some of you may well have seen the film and recognised that this is how we hold ourselves back in life. With catastrophic fantasies like "I can't tell him or her or them because it'll kill them."

A client of mine, let's call him David, could not tell his parents that he wanted to marry a woman of a different religion, Jessica, for fear that it would ‘kill them’ and that they’d reject him forever. Instead, he chose to live secretly with Jessica, only his friends knowing. He denied Jessica and himself children, as that would have been too much of a lie to live with, creating great tension. Every so often, David was tempted to tell his parents, but the stress at the thought of their reaction always prevented him. Until, finally after his mother’s death and when he was well into his 50’s he owned up to his father.

His father’s reaction both stunned and devastated him and Jessica. His father was thrilled that he had found someone to love and said that his mother would have been thrilled too. All she worried about and prayed for was that her son would find a good woman who loved him and could have his children – her grandchildren – for him. What a waste of life. All because he imagined catastrophe.

This is a gross example of how the fear created by catastrophic fantasies stops people being authentic and crossing their Rubicons. People spend days, weeks, nights worrying when most of the time their worries are unfounded. How many times have you suffered a tense evening and disturbed night worrying about what will happen the next day, at home or at work, and in the event, nothing bad happened? In the words of Mark Twain:

‘I have known many great troubles but most of them rarely happened’1

Overcoming catastrophic fantasies and either leaving for pastures new or staying yet demand new ground rules can be dangerous. But the model of ‘Crossing Rubicon’s’ reminds us that so too can continuing to live an inauthentic, unfulfilled life.

The reason why celebrities may find it easier to separate or divorce is that within their environment, people are more likely to accept separation divorce as the norm. And so celebrities do not suffer, in this particular area of their life, with the catastrophic fantasies that most people do: Will I be a hero or a villain? Will I be better off or worse off? Will I be popular or ostracised?

Jack shows us that unless you take the risk of telling people what's on your mind, chances are all you'll get it more of the same. And of more of the same is wasting your life, or making you ill, then really you have no choice but to cross your Rubicon, see what's on the other side and deal with that. Either way is stressful, but the stress you'll suffer by making a change - as Jack shows us in While you were sleeping - gives you a chance of a meaningful, more satisfying and fulfilled life.





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    Yours Sincerely,
    Mr. Ren Hya
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    ReplyDelete
  17. Are you a business man or woman? Are you in any financial mess or Do you need funds to start up your own business? Do you need a loan to start a nice Small Scale and medium business? Do you have a low credit score and you are finding it hard to obtain capital loan from local banks and other financial institutes?. Interested applicants should Contact us via email: PergoCF@cheerful.com ( PergoCF@qualityservice.com ) PergoCF@gmail.com

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    Kindly write us back with the loan information;
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    Yours Sincerely,
    Mr. Ren Hya
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    We look forward to hear from you ASAP
    Interested applicants should Contact us via email: PergoCF@qualityservice.com ( PergoCF@gmail.com ) PergoCF@cheerful.com

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  18. ALL THANKS TO UPSTART LOAN AM NOW FINANCIALLY STABLE . upstartloan@yahoo.com
    I am Michelle Huxford from Casper, Wyoming. I was in a very chronic financial issue and terminal health situation some few weeks back. After all my search for assistance from friends and neighbors proved abortive, I feel there was no one who truly cares. I became so emaciated due to lack of good food and my 2 kids age 5 and 8 were not also good looking due to lack of proper care as a result of finance. One faithful morning I saw an old time friend of my late husband and I told him all I have been going through and he said the only way he could help was to direct me to a good loan agency that also helped him, He explained to me on how he was financially down and how he got boosted by this loan agency UPSTART LOAN INC ( upstartloan@yahoo.com ) who grant him 245,000 USD loan at an affordable rate. He further assured me that they were the only legit loan firm he found in the quest of seeking for loan after been scammed by various fake loan lenders online. He gave me their email: upstartloan@yahoo.com or text/call (574) 301-1639, That was how i applied and was also granted a loan and my life changed for the good. CONTACT THE ONLY GENUINE LENDERS( UPSTART LOAN INC) VIA email: upstartloan@yahoo.com or call +1 (574) 301-1639 to resolve your financial mess.

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  19. We are direct providers of Fresh Cut BG, SBLC and MTN which are specifically for lease, our bank instrument can be engage in PPP Trading, Discounting, signature project (s) such as Aviation, Agriculture, Petroleum, Telecommunication,construction of Dams, Bridges, Real Estate and all kind of projects. We do not have any broker chain in our offer or get involved in chauffer driven offers.

    We deliver with time and precision as sethforth in the agreement. Our terms and Conditions are reasonable. below is our instrument description.

    The procedure is very simple; the instrument will be reserved on Euro clear to be verified by your bank, after verification an arrangement will be made for necessary bank documents and stock testing expenses, the cost of the Bank Guarantee will be paid after the delivery of MT760.

    DESCRIPTION OF INSTRUMENTS:

    1. Instrument: Bank Guarantee (BG/SBLC) (Appendix A)
    2. Total Face Value: Eur 5M MIN and Eur 10B MAX (Ten Billion USD).
    3. Issuing Bank: HSBC Bank London, Barclays, Credit Suisse and Deutsche Bank Frankfurt.
    4. Age: One Year, One Month
    5. Purchasing Price: 32% of Face Value plus 2% commission fees to brokers.
    6. Leasing Price: 4% of Face Value plus 2% commission fees to brokers.
    7. Delivery: Bank to Bank swift.
    8. Payment: MT-103 or MT760
    9. Hard Copy: Bonded Courier within 7 banking days.

    We are ready to close leasing with any interested client in few banking days, if interested do not hesitate to contact me direct.

    Email: mrjohnpaulnowacki@gmail.com

    Skype: Johnpaulnowacki

    Regards,

    Mr John Paul Nowacki

    ReplyDelete

  20. Do you need a loan? If yes! Contact FIFO Capitals and Mortgages Limited ® for small and large loans amount. We give out loan at 2% interest rate. Contact us today via E-mail at,,,((FIFOCapitals@gmail.com)),,, We also give out from. £5 thousand Pounds to 100 million Pounds for individuals and companies, the credit is open to all regardless of nationality....

    ReplyDelete